Dear Readers,
There is no denying the fact that ever since the current global economic and financial crisis began in the Fall of 2007 and whose end no one can unequivocally predict, most of us have spent at least some time reflecting and pondering on how this catastrophe has affected our personal lives and the decisions and adjustments we have had to make on a day-to-day basis. Truth be told, depending on our social standing, line of work, geographic location and other extenuating circumstances pertinent to us, the degree and scale of this self-introspection and re-adjustment could span an entire gamut of possible measures and resolutions.
Throughout the course of the last year, listening to testimonies and witnesses of people at various community events, talks and forums, I could not help but realize how important it was for people to fully understand the meaning of their work, what ultimate purpose it served, and how it could bring them closer in correspondence with their heart. Perhaps the relative calm and stability of our economy over the last 2-3 decades and the absence of any material shocks to the checks and balances in our daily lives had lured us into a false sense of security and made us refrain from asking ourselves these deep, piercing questions.
In my case, I found myself in the midst of this crisis back in September 2008 as an investment banker at Lehman Brothers right when it filed for bankruptcy. I had been working with Lehman since early 2005 after having finished my Masters degree at Stanford. Times were good. Capitalism and the fruits of creativity, enterprise and ambition had fuelled in young people like me a desire to build, expand and ultimately protect our intellectual and economic capital. In the summer of 2005 I was at a bar in New York with a dear friend having a round of drinks. Most of my close friends and family know that deep down inside I don’t have the heart and soul of a typical Wall Street banker and that I would probably find my true calling in life as an educator, working at a non-profit organization or a career in socio-economic development. Right before entering university I had even briefly considered joining the Peace Corps. So that evening as I sat across from my friend at the bar dressed in a crisp white buttoned down shirt, black slacks, cufflinks and a loosened tie, I wasn’t quite expecting him to ask me why I, of all the people he knew, was so excited to be starting a career as an investment banker on Wall Street. To be honest, I didn’t have a candid and frank answer, so I ended up quoting Nietzsche, saying, “Did you ever say yes to a pleasure? Then you also said yes to all pain. All things are linked, entwined, in love with one another. What does not kill me makes me stronger.”
I guess I never did realize over the course of the four years that followed that evening, why I was really doing what I was doing. I had never stopped to ask myself – ‘What is my one, true passion? What is the ultimate thing that I’m going to do with my life? What is the ultimate mark that I’m going to make? Was I being driven by an illusion of success and reward, or was I truly passionate about my work and found fulfillment in it? A Silicon Valley entrepreneur once said that ‘Passion and drive are not the same at all. Passion pulls you toward something you cannot resist. Drive pushes you toward something you feel compelled or obligated to do. If you know nothing about yourself, you can’t tell the difference. Once you gain a modicum of self-knowledge, you can express your passion.’
In my desire to ‘do more’ with my life and in my struggle to find meaning in my work, I spent a good amount of my spare time volunteering with community organizations like New York Cares, mentoring high school kids, helping children and senior citizens with computer and language skills, etc. In all this, I’d looked at my work as a separate world, desensitizing myself from the value it created for me and for people around me. To an extent, I viewed my work as an issue I had to deal with, a bone I had to wrestle with. In the summer of 2008, I had reached my wits end and having been just promoted at work, took a month off to go to Ghana as part of an international volunteer organization to teach English, Math and Art to elementary school children at an orphanage in a remote village. It was the most humbling, eye-opening experience of my entire life and it made me seriously meditate on what it means for us to be truly happy. The simplicity, joy and innocence in the lives of the families and children I lived with touched me so strongly it made me feel so humbled and naked in front of my own reality. What is beauty? How is it possible for us to live freely, love and feel truly loved in spite of our nothingness? Our lives are way too short for us to constantly worry and complain about all the little things that seem trivial compared to the many real problems and hardships that the majority of our world has to deal with everyday.
Getting back to New York in the Fall of 2008 was hard, not just from a mental re-balancing and cultural perspective, but also given how quickly and dramatically the dominoes had toppled in the world’s financial markets. Lehman’s bankruptcy was only the tip of the iceberg, a harbinger of further economic and financial distress to come. It was easy for me to demonize my work, blame myself for not listening to my true inner self, my gut and my passion four years earlier. There is no better sanity check than reality. But even then, the status quo and the forces of inertia make us cling on to what we possess and what we have control over.
Even today, I still question the true meaning of my work and its purpose in my life. I see my bosses who have worked in this business year after year, often spending long hours toiling away to bring in additional revenue. Many of them hardly get to spend quality time with their families and end up being on conference calls during the weekend, traveling in and out of major international cities getting business done, and all-in-all, just do not have time to stop working. After all, what is life if full of care, if we have not the time to stand and stare? (Henry Davies). I remember once sitting in my manager’s office on a Monday morning and he casually asked me how my weekend was. I told him I’d volunteered at a homeless shelter and met a lot of really interesting people whose life experiences had taught me so much about how we cannot take life’s gifts and blessings for granted. His reaction was one of discomfort and unease, and not knowing how to talk about it, quickly switched the conversation to work-related matters.
I find it so hard to have a real conversation with anyone at work about something human, something that affects our personal lives, our relationships, our fears, concerns, troubles and joys. It’s almost as if being free and giving of oneself makes you more vulnerable to being judged and possibly being hurt. What a lot of us contend with (often subconsciously) is the fact that in the humdrum and business of our lives at work, it is somehow okay to put up walls around us, barricade ourselves from reality and be comfortable in our own facade that society tacitly approves of. While this may seem to be all the more reason for me to lay down my arms and unburden myself of the pressures of being someone I really am not, I do realize that it is possible to find meaning in little things if I want to. Meaning doesn’t exist only if you are able to understand it and explain it. Atoms and molecules still existed with reason and meaning before we were able to quantify and eventually qualify their existence and meaning. Every person and every thing is meaningful and meaningless in equal measure according to ones perspective. It’s how you love them despite your state of awareness that matters and brings some sort of ‘meaning’ to your existence.
Most of all, I take comfort in knowing that our least action when done for the common good of society is precious. Never must we let it enter our minds that we cannot be good or useful in the station of life we are placed in. On the contrary, that is the very place that has been appointed for us, and a performance of the duties of it would ensure our happiness. We can help others more by the peace and tranquility of our hearts than by any eagerness or care we can bestow on them.
